kill-with-your-heart:

ATTENTION PEOPLE OF TUMBLR. Or whoever is taking the time to read this. But I had a brilliant idea just pop into my head… inspired by Big Bang’s northface “Never Stop Dreaming” video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LuDfW66CEfc#!).

As you can see, in the video, the members of this band, Big Bang, go around town posting papers that say “DREAM” on them in various places. So what I want to do for “Never Stop Smiling” is something similar - go all around town and put various inspirational messages. EVERYWHERE.  On a car windshield, on the back of a cereal box in the grocery store, on a stop sign pole, wherever you think is a good spot.

And they don’t just have to be “DREAM” or even “Never Stop Smiling.”  They can be phrases like “somebody loves you,” “smile,” “you are a wonderful person,” or whatever you can think of.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this, and I don’t really care. Even if a few people go out and do it, I think it can really make a huge difference.  Imagine if a person is having a hard day, yet they are walking down the street and spot a post-it note that says “somebody loves you” on a pole by the street.  Don’t you think that would make them stop for a minute and smile? That’s the whole idea of this project.

I’m thinking of setting a particular date for this project, or weekend.  But for right now I’m just interested in if anyone actually wants to do it. Like, reblog, send me an ask, or respond. Anyone out there???

Reblogging everyday for a while cause I really want this to be a thing. Get used to seeing it y’all!

ATTENTION ALL OF TUMBLR. Or whoever is taking the time to read this. But I had a brilliant idea just pop into my head… inspired by Big Bang’s northface “Never Stop Dreaming” video (for those who know what it is).

In the video, the members of this band, Big Bang, go around town posting papers that say “DREAM” on them in various places. So what I want to do for “Never Stop Smiling” is something similar - go all around town and put various inspirational messages. EVERYWHERE.  On a car windshield, on the back of a cereal box in the grocery store, on a stop sign pole, wherever you think is a good spot.

And they don’t just have to be “DREAM” or even “Never Stop Smiling.”  They can be phrases like “somebody loves you,” “smile,” “you are a wonderful person,” or whatever you can think of.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this, and I don’t really care. Even if a few people go out and do it, I think it can really make a huge difference.  Imagine if a person is having a hard day, yet they are walking down the street and spot a post-it note that says “somebody loves you” on a pole by the street.  Don’t you think that would make them stop for a minute and smile? That’s the whole idea of this project.

I’m thinking of setting a particular date for this project, or weekend.  But for right now I’m just interested in if anyone actually wants to do it. Like, reblog, send me an ask, or respond. Anyone out there???

It’s been FO’EVA since I last blogged. Blogged-blogged, I mean. But now, I am feeling pretty inspired.  Of course I am, considering it’s 1 am on a Thursday morning and I have school work to be doing. I am inspired most when I am putting off homework. Unfortunate, but what can you do.

So today (cough, yesterday TECHNICALLY) is February 1st. And I graduate high school June 1. Meaning I only have four more months of high school… ever. And yes, I’m aware that most of my blog posts talk a lot about high school, fellow peers, teachers, etc., but that’s because this is a very crucial point in all of our lives - I believe high school is when you really begin to find yourself, or lose yourself. It’s incredibly important for all of us to take some time each day to think about this, and the sad truth is only a small amount of us do.

And that’s where the title comes in - Who are you? How many people have asked you this in your life. A lot. We answer the general answer - name, age, grade. Blah blah blah. But really.. who are you. Who are you friends? Why are you friends with them? What are your goals in the future? What do you want to accomplish in your lifetime? What’s your work ethic? What are your craziest dreams? What are your secrets? The answers to these questions make up who you actually are. You are so much more than a name, an age, a grade. You are a person, and you are complex and special and unique and beautiful and tremendous and influential and terrifying.

I think I have gathered a lot of wisdom over my four years in high school. You are surrounded by the same people every day, so naturally you tend to watch people and learn from them. And boy, I have seen so many people change throughout the past four years.  If I were to take all my friends and think about it for a minute, how they were beginning of freshmen year and how they are now… I would say a good 98% of them are completely different than they were. And I’d say about 90% of this 98% that changed, changed for the worse.

I mean I’m not saying there is no hope and they are all terrible people.  Not that at all. I’m just saying that if I were to hop in my time travel machine and go back four years ago and tell them how they would be at the end of their senior year… they would probably be shocked with themselves. And it’s so easy to see where they went wrong. I can pinpoint specific friends, specific events, specific months, etc. where they changed most. And I think that is because they were not comfortable with who they were, and so they changed to fit in with others.

Fortunately, I would say I am the exact copy of who I was freshmen year. Imaginative, creative, wanting more, thinking ahead. I really am the same. But hey, maybe that’s what all my friends think about themselves. It’s all about perception. But I would say the reason I stayed so grounded and the same is because in the beginning of 9th grade I had a specific mindset and specific goals. I had certain things I wanted to stay away from, and have managed to.

So for all you who read this, if any, I challenge you to really take some time to think about who you are. No, not your name, grade, age. But who you really are. And I hope that you are pleased with your answer. But if you’re not, know that you can always change if you want to.

(February 1, 2012)

WELCOME, WELCOME TO ZE VERY LAST INSPIRATIONAL(ish) BLOG POST OF 2011!

For those who care, it is 1:25 am on December 31, and I am sitting here with my grey beanie that is hiding my messy bun, and my fake glasses. I don’t know. I feel more sophisticated with them on.

Okay. So. Since this is the very last post of 2011 and it’s going to be all “New Year” inspired, here’s the topic:

What is your mission?

I’ll tell you mine right off the bat to give you ideas on yours.

My mission is to smile more. Laugh more. Joke more. Observe more. Act more. Write more. Inspire more. Love more.

Yup, that’s my mission for 2012. I don’t want to change myself in any way. I simply want to better myself. I want to make myself a better person. And I advise you to do the same.

No one’s perfect, so don’t strive for perfection. Strive for better-fection. Dang, if only that were a word. Now, let’s do a break down of my 2012 mission and how I plan on doing it! 

Smile more. Laugh more. Joke more.
I really just want to be happier. I suffered from depression late 2010-early 2011 (no, I never got tested, but I think when someone is depressed they can truly feel it deep down, and I just know something wasn’t right with me) and so getting myself to a better place was hard, but I managed. And now that I’m here, looking back, I know I can get better. I want to be a happier person. I want to laugh a lot more. As my motto is - Smile. It looks good on you. And I completely believe that.

Observe more. Act more. Write more.
I’ve already told Blaire (deviationsfromreality) that I have three journals I got for Christmas. One is a Q&A book (question for every day of the year — get this, January 1st is ‘what is your mission’! HA!). Another is a journal with “ideas” written on the front. This one I plan on writing any dreams or story ideas I feel are worthy of it. This helps get the juices flowing. And the last one is a leather journal, and this I plan on taking around with me EVERYWHERE, and recording just about everything and anything. Inspirational quotes, jokes, stories, and most importantly, observations of people and the environment around me. This will not only help better myself, but really help me in my acting. I just get to study people. Record my life. Heck, it won’t be the most thrilling journal, but I will cherish it most of all. 

Inspire more.
I plan on keeping my tumblr, and keeping these blog posts going. Even though I know a small amount read them, because they’re basically novels about my boring life and the lessons I learn, I do know that some people do take away things from them. And if I could touch just one person’s heart with them, then I know it’s for the better. So I want to keep writing these, and keep inspiring others.

Love more.
Plain and simple. Keep my heart wide open.

So there is my new years resolution! I know, I know, not the classic “exercise more!” but it works for me.

I hope everyone else out there is able to find their mission for 2012, too! Happy New Years!

 
(December 31, 2011) 

So yesterday, late at night, I wrote a blog post.  And the title was “Perfection Doesnt Exist.” And it was a rather dull, depressing, but truthful post.

Well, today I am happy to say I am feeling much better about things! Whether that is because I finally got things off my chest, made a change for myself, or today was just unnaturally good, who knows! But I am feeling much better, and more than that, I am feeling the need to blog. Two days in a row, yaaahoooo!

Anyway, when it comes to feeling depressed, worthless, lonely, dumb, unloved, whatever negative describing word you can think of, you really have to hold on to those things that make you happy.  And today I was able to figure out what those things were.

First, the one thing that makes me happier than anything in the entire world is feeling loved and important.  To feel like someone cares for you.  And I think that is why last year I was in such a depression was because I didn’t feel like I had anyone that gave two craps about me, and that was rough.  But today there were moments when I really felt like people cared.  Like when my english teacher from last year stopped me and asked me how my audition went this weekend.  Or my friend, for no reason at all, gave me a hug (we joke sometimes and do this to each other, but it really does make me feel loved).  Or when this one guy who I like takes the time to talk to me, whether it be about my audition or why the band teacher is out today.  Or when me and my friends have slapping fights.  Or when my cousin who I don’t get to see a lot in school asks for a ride home, so we get to talk to each other.  Those are the moments that really, really make me happy.  When I get to talk to others.  Or when they initiate the conversation to me.  That’s what I live for, and I love it.

Another thing I love no matter what is writing.  Not every kind of writing, but just writing like this.  Just writing my thoughts, or inspirations.  Or writing a book.  I have about a dozen novels I have started and have not gotten around to continue writing in in about a year.  When I have this little fire of inspiration kindling inside me, that’s what I really really love.  That’s another thing I live for.  It doesn’t appear often, but when it does I feel as though the world is my oyster.  I can do anything!  There are no limitations to what I can write, feel, think.  And that is another thing that makes me unnaturally happy.

So there you go. I found two things today that can cheer me up instantly.  People making me feel special and when I feel inspired to write.  I would’ve added acting, but unfortunately it is hard for one to just ACT when they don’t have classes or any plays to prepare for.  It’s not like writing when I have a blank document open or blank notebook paper staring me in the face.

So here’s my advice to all of you. Yes, I’m giving you advice because HALLELUJAH this blog post wasn’t coming from the deep, dark, depressing soul of an emo kid.  SO, my advice, go out there and find what makes you tick.  What makes your life worth living.  And what can make you happy even on the darkest of days.

(December 20, 2011) 

Okay, I know with a lot of my blog posts, they tend to have a positive spin on them.  An optimistic outlook.  A happy ending.  A story with a lesson.  But sometimes I need to blog and just get my thoughts out.  Sometimes life isn’t always perfect.

As some of you may or may not know, I had a rough year junior year.  I had never felt less important or loved by my friends and family.  I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  I felt like my life was going no where.  And I did manage to pull myself out of that rut, but it took a good ten months.

I’m slightly falling back into it.  Not nearly to the degree that I was last year, but sometimes I just get depressed when I take a step back and think about my life.  You know I look at my friends and how they are all close with others, and all have boyfriends or dates or people who seem to genuinely care about them all the time. And I don’t necessarily have that.  Nor have I really ever had that?

And then I’m not doing good with school, which causes a wave of stress on me. It’s senior year and I shouldn’t be worrying, but I have to keep my grades up because my colleges get an update on my grades at the end of the year, and they have the potential to kick me out. And that scares me to death. It’s as if this year counts more than any other, and yet my motivation levels have plummeted to the point of no return.

And lastly, when I look about my future, I have no freaking idea what is going to happen, and that scares me to death. Completely. I mean some of you may know about my intense love for performing and for theatre, and how I one day just want to be an actress.  But then I go to these college auditions and I see people just like me, probably more talented, and I get terrified.  It causes me to have a reality check.  It makes me realize how small I am in this world.  And how many people are out there exactly like me, with the same dreams. And how many will never make it. And how I’ll probably never make it.

Then what?

So here’s where I am with my life right now.  Unloved, failing academically, unsuccessful in my dreams.  Pessimistic.  Terrified.  Lonely.

This is not anything anyone should ever feel.

It’s times like these when I have to think of the positive.  And I mean I have to, for fear that something else could happen if I don’t.  Because no matter how crappy your life is going, you have to keep in mind there are so many out there whose life is going even worse.  And for you to just sit here and feel sorry for yourself when there are people out there will literally no family, no home, no food, no nothing, then you are pretty selfish.  And I have to tell myself this, because it’s the only way that I am capable of opening my eyes and seeing how much I truly do have.

I can either choose to sit here in self pity or take action, and try and turn my life around.  Which is what I did this past summer when I couldn’t take it anymore.  And what I am going to do now.

Yeah, life is hard.  Yeah, life sucks.  Yeah, it’s a big world and sometimes it’s hard for me to wrap around the fact that I don’t have a best friend or a boyfriend or a person in real life that I can turn to.  Yeah, sometimes I sit in my room and just cry.  But who ever told you life was easy? Answer: nobody.  Because it  isn’t.  For me to be typing right now telling you that life is going to get better just because it is would be a down right lie.  Life is only going to get better if you MAKE it better.  If you choose to look at the positives.  And if you realize that there are people out there in your exact same situation.

So, I’m sorry this isn’t exactly positive.  In fact I’d say this blog post is down right negative and kind of different from my others.  But I needed to vent.  The feelings I had last year were coming back and I just needed to type it all out and realize what I really have.  Sure I may not be able to come up with a solution right away about why I don’t have anyone in real life to turn to or whats going to happen with me and my dreams, but I’ll find it eventually.

Life isn’t easy, but then again no one said it was going to be.

(December 19, 2011) 

Borrowing this beautiful title from a line in.. Bridge to Terabithia! Sorry, recently watched the movie, fell in love with it, and have now taken on that line as one of my life mottos. Whatevs.

UGH. It feels so good to be back blogging! What’s it been, two months? Oh well. Here I am. Back blogging. Because my soul needs it.

Today in my AP English 12 class we were supposed to sit down and discuss The Road, the book we are currently reading. Instead we got way off topic right off the bat, and just started talking about life in general. Who knows why? My english teacher is one of the most profound people I know, and somehow we just got into talking about life post high school and well… life in general.

My english teacher used to be a nurse about ten years ago. He was in medical school learning to be a doctor. One night at 3 am he was talking to a surgeon who made around $800,000 a year, yet the man was completely miserable. My teacher (then a nurse, remember) did not understand why. The man said that although he made lots of money and had many material possessions, he was extremely unhappy with the way his life was.  He had been divorced a few times, he did not get to spend time with his kids, he barely saw his current wife, and his job caused stress beyond comprehension.  He said if he could go back in time, he would tell his younger self to not go into this profession. It wasn’t worth it.

That’s when my teacher began to think about HIS life. He thought that perhaps being a doctor wasn’t something he would like to do his whole life. That’s when he went back to college. It originally was to experiment and play around with possible careers. He was never particularly good at english, but he was an avid reader, so he took english classes. He immediately fell in love, and realized that teaching is such a worthwhile career to pursue. And wa-la! Here is today!

Anyway, the point of this story that you all probably don’t care about at all is that my teacher kept his mind open to new possibilities. Many people who were in his position probably wouldn’t have thought anything about it. They would have assumed that being a doctor was right for them, even if they were starting to feel uneasy about it. And I’m not saying they’re wrong - some people ARE cut out to be a doctor. But my teacher said that he envied all of us. We have the whole world ahead of us. We can do anything we want to right  now. He’s old enough to realize this and envy us; but we are too young ourselves to appreciate that fact.

Life is never going to go according to plan. Ever. You can sit down and write step by step what you want to do each year, each month, each week, each day, and yet there are always going to be challenges along the way. Or you could look at them as surprises rather than challenges. Because that is what they are.

My teacher said he’s interested to see where we all end up. We have all applied to college and at least have some idea what we want to do with our lives. He said he wants to see if any of that changes. I mean for me personally I’m set on majoring in theatre, but I was always unsure if I should do that or take on another major as well. I guess only time will tell. 

I think the point I’m trying to make with this blog post is that life is unexpected, and it’s a beautiful thing. Instead of trying to stress about what the future holds, look forward to it. We aren’t here to merely exist.  We are here to live, love, and appreciate everything. So although in ten years you may not be where you expected yourself, who is to say that’s a bad thing?

Here’s a random gif as always to close us out. Happy December everyone!

(December 1, 2011)

So here’s my philosophy on life: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE. Yup. As obvious as it seems, I sometimes believe people fail to recognize that.

We are only on this earth once.  And we only have a certain amount of time to live.  Some die young, some live to be 100.  Point is - you have to make the most of your life while it’s still going on.

It’s weird to think that we really have no say over certain things in our life.  We had no say of what gender we were going to be, what our names were, what parents we have, what siblings, where we live, etc.  We don’t have a say in that.  That’s already predetermined for us.  But what we DO have a say in is how we choose to act from there on out.

It’s strage that such an easy concept is hardly thought about.  For instance - My name is Paige.  I am 17 years old.  I enjoy writing, acting, and inspiring others to reach their full potential.  I’m completely crazy when I want to be.  I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, because (to be honest) my own insanity makes me fun enough that I don’t need any of that.
^That right there is who I am and what I want to be. Simple as that.  What about you?

You know what is slightly mind-boggling to me?  That others try so hard to impress other people.  They try to act cool so that they can come off that way to peers.  They spend hours doing their hair and make-up so that people can view them as beautiful.  But you know what I say?  Screw that.  We only live one life, and I’m not going to waste it trying to be what others want me to be or trying to look a certain way.  In the long run, when I’m dead and gone, I want people to look back at my time here on earth and see me for the type of person I am.  I want them to recognize my individual qualities that separated me from others more than anything. Yeah, I want them to say I was nice and caring, but I also want them to say that I was hard working and if I wanted something done, I did it.

See, I’m different from many people in my school, and I’m sure you are too (after all, isn’t Tumblr just made up of a bunch of outcasts? That isn’t necessarily a bad thing).  As I stated before, I enjoy acting and writing, and as the years come I’m going to try my absolute hardest to get as far as I can with those talents.  Because I only have a few years to pursue it.  I only have one shot, one opportunity, one life to get as far as I can.  And the same goes for you.

This is why before I stated that I wanted to make an impression on others.  I want people to remember me when I graduate high school, as well as when I pass away (hopefully years and years from now).  It’s a scary thought and many people choose to just ignore it, as if ignoring it will magically mean they will never have to face it.  But come on, admit it: everybody is going to die eventually.  And we don’t know how and we don’t know when.  That’s why you have to live each moment to your fullest. You should be kind to everyone, you should work hard, and if you love someone then you should tell them.

To save this post from becoming extremely morbid let me just add that life is a truly magnificent thing, and you can be whatever you want, as long as you are willing to pursue your dreams and work hard.  As long as you are able to rise above what others think of you and be secure in your own being.  Because as I said a million times before, you only live once. Good luck :)

(October 11, 2011) 

With my school’s Homecoming happening this upcoming weekend, I have had a lot of time to think about how much I’ve gone through in high school.  And before you ask, no, I am not going to Homecoming. For the fourth year in a row.  Mainly because 1) I’m dateless and 2) I honestly have no desire to go.

Like I was saying, it’s kind of miraculous to think that I’ve spent the last three years in the same building with the same people.  At some points it seems like an eternity, but sometimes it seems as though those three years have gone by in a blink of an eye.  

I have many underclassman friends.  I am close to these two freshmen girls that are in my section in band, and when I come to think of it, they have so much more to go through.  And it’s weird to think that I was in their position at some point with all of high school left.  And now I only have one year.

The whole thing is just mind boggling to me really.  I like to reminisce on all the different teachers I’ve had; that tragic math teacher first period freshmen year that still to this day haunts me, my amazing world cultures teacher sophomore year who I loved going to class and learning from, my favorite english teacher I had last year.  It’s weird to think of all the different memories I’ve had in each class, and all the different people I’ve shared those periods with.  If I were to honestly compose a book of all the memories I’ve collected throughout the past three years of high school, it’d well be over 1,000 pages.  In size 8 font.  Single spaced.  .5 inch margins.  Yeah, take that.

I was starting to think today (wow, thinking is something I’ve been doing a lot lately) about how in just 8 short months I will be out of this school forever.  And the scariest part is I’m starting to think that I may not have any impact at all.  I’ve been in the same district for 12 years, the same high school for 3, and I may have no impact whatsoever.

And so this is where the title “last chance” comes in.  When I leave, I want to make sure that people remember me.  Even if it’s just a very small group of people that miss me, that will satisfy me enough.  I don’t want to just walk out of this building in my cap and gown and have no one say my name ever again.  This is my last year ever to make a lasting impression.  And then I’m off to start new again in a university.

That’s why I am starting to become closer to underclassmen.  Not purely for the reason that I am missed when I graduate, but because this is my last year to make new friendships.  And I have found out that I have missed out on some great people my last few years.  I have noticed I have taken more risks this year; I have become more outgoing, talked to a ton of underclassman, and have been more outspoken in classes.  I have attempted to get on the good side of nearly every person I know, because the last thing I want people to think when I graduate is “thank God she is no longer here.”

So heres my advice to all the seniors out there like me: Make the most of your senior year.  Try and make a lasting impression.  If you’re anything like me, then your greatest fear is also leaving the school you’ve been at so long and having no one notice the difference.  And if you’re a junior, sophomore, or freshmen: enjoy it.  It does go fast.  And keep track of all your memories.  It’s a truly magnificent thing to open up that book of memories (mentally, of course) and see all that you have a been through.

(September 28, 2011)

So as some of you may or may not know (actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure if any of you knew?) I did a challenge last week with my friends dealing with positivity.

See, we are generally very negative people.  We just make comments about situations that aren’t needed and so we all wanted to try and be more positive for the next 7 days.  We agreed that every time we said something negative for the next week, we would drop a dime into a jar.  My total at the end of the week?  $5.80.  Which surprisingly is the lowest of the four!

I honestly wish we had done a week where we didn’t really try to be positive but still marked tallys for negativity.  Because when I say I had $5.80, it makes you think that I didn’t try hard enough.  But in actuality, this is really good.  If I had no filter and had a normal week, I probably would have well over $20, believe it or not.  And so I’m proud with my final count.

It was extremely difficult but I would definitely recommend ANYONE do it.  The first few days were rough.  People would be venting about homework and classes and teachers and other people, and I would have to sit there holding back comments.  It really opened up my eyes to how negative I really was.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you guys that I had a perfect week.  No.  Being positive does not mean that everything is going to be awesome for you.  However, there were definitely moments when I turned a bad situation into the better by saying positive comments.  It did have a very visible effect on me.  And I could see that people respected me more for my effort to try and better myself.

So although me and my three friends are no longer dropping dimes into a jar every time we say something negative, I am going to make a conscious effort to stay happier and more positive.  It’s just much better to go through life with a smile rather than a frown.

(september 19, 2011)

Ever since the beginning of time, it seems as though human beings tend to get way too overworked about silly, stupid crap.  Don’t even try to deny it, because you know it’s true.  People thrive off of excitement, and that can be both good things and bad things.  I am no different from everyone else.

Now there are some things where I can take a step back and realize that people are just plain weird.  Like, people obsessing over Homecoming every fall.  I have never gone due to the fact that no one has ever asked me (LOLZ FOREVER ALONE), yet I don’t give two craps.  However, I see girls freaking out if they don’t get a date, and then if they do they tend to develop an obsession with getting the right dress, eating at the right place, and having the ultimate dance experience.

One thing I wish we as humans could learn is to just be a little more chill.  Chill.  Seriously.  As my friend Tori would say, “Work towards reaching Nirvana.  Nothing is better than being in Nirvana.”  Unfortunately there is no exact formula for being able to not overreact, or “reach Nirvana,” it’s just something you have to learn as time goes on.  Or, unfortunately, some people never reach.

I think one of my strengths is that I tend to not overact about crazy things that don’t even deserve your energy to be wasted on.  I can’t quite say the same for some of my friends, or especially from my sister.  If my sister has a bad day, she comes home, storms all over the house, and yells at me and my parents.  She goes about it all the wrong way, because that is going to do nothing but put her in a worse mood.  The fact of the matter is - bad days happen.  Please, I would just love for you to tell me one person you know who has never had a bad day in their entire life.

Exactly.  You can’t.  Bad days are just, bad days.  You can take steps to prevent them but they’re always going to pop up at random times.  And you have to be ready.  The best cure for a bad day is a smile.  Keep up the spirits.  Don’t overreact.  It’s going to be okay.  Keep Calm and carry on.

I urge anyone who reads this to take a step back and think about their life.  Are you like people at my school - do you overreact about unimportant things?  Are you like my sister - do you let bad days get you down?  Or are you like me and my friend Tori, who we like to say, “has reached Nirvana.”
 
(september 7, 2011) 

And I am speaking from personal experiences.  In fact, this blog entry is more for my own soul than anyone elses, but you’re all welcome to read if you’d like.  Especially if anyone is dealing with anything I did (losing friends, depression, etc. Read this.)

This past year I lost all of my best friends.  I used to have a group of four girls, and we would do everything together.  And then all of a sudden they went off and got new friends.  We all just wanted different things.. there is really no one at fault.  Instead of trying to change who I was to stay friends with them, we separated and our friendship became very distant.

I can actually remember the specific date when I realized that our friendship was ending.  September 11, 2010.  We had a football game that Saturday for our high school, and we were all in the band.  That game I sat there by myself, while they all talked in the row behind me.  They gave no effort whatsoever to talk to me.  I didn’t utter a single word the entire game.

And the same went for every game afterward during the season.  The similar thing happened in classes when they would be in it.  I would be excluded.  And for a while I sat in self-pity trying to figure out exactly what it was that I did to deserve it.

I blamed a lot of people.  I blamed them.  I blamed God for getting me into this mess because I felt I didn’t deserve it.  I blamed all their new friends they were making.  But mainly, above all, I blamed myself.

During the past year I had a lot of time to myself.  Obviously, since none of them ever talked to me, texted me, called me, or made any effort to be my friend.  I had to be my own best friend.  And sometimes I am thankful that I can rely on myself so much.

Although I couldn’t really see it, I ended up creating a lot of good for myself.  I was becoming more and more creative; working on my novels.  I became a lot more motivated to prove to myself that I was worth something - more so with my acting and writing than anything else.  I was suddenly fascinated with the idea of college and the fact that in just over two years I would be able to make new friends and not deal with the loneliness any longer.  And I found tumblr, where I could finally be with people who understand me and care about my pathetic teenage problems.

But there were definitely rough patches. I believe that the past year was full of depression.  It can’t be confirmed, because I never went to get tested for it, but there was a empty hole inside me.  Sometimes I would come home from school and just cry.  In fact, sometimes in between classes I would go to the bathroom and cry.  No one ever knew.  Because I didn’t want to make myself look vulnerable.  I know many people who if they were in my position they would’ve said something, but I wasn’t interested in making pity friends.

So now I am speaking solely to those who are going through what I did the past year: IT GETS BETTER.  Yes, that overused line is actually true.  It does get so much better.  This past summer on the mission trip I finally confessed about the depression I experienced the past year to my youth group, openly sobbing about it.  My friends were able to see what they did, and they apologized.  Although we aren’t nearly as close as we used to be, and I know we never will, it does help immensely that I was able to tell them.  And that they did care after all.

And I did realize this happened for a reason — that perhaps if I ever run into someone who is experiencing the same thing I did, I can help them.  So please, if anyone thinks they are suffering from depression, or they had a falling out with their best friends, or they are just feeling lonely.. come talk to me.  I’m always here.  I know how much you really need a good friend in that time of need.  And I am willing to be your friend.

I don’t really have any inspiring words to end this with except for the fact that if you are going through this, keep pushing.  Although I’m not fully over it, I have come so far in just one year.  So continue, no matter what.  I think the best thing about the whole situation I went through is I proved to myself how strong I was.  I went through so much.  And I am a better person because of it. <3

(september 5, 2011) 

This blog title brought to you by… Halloween town!

And yes, this does happen to be my life motto.  Go ahead and judge.

What is normal, anyway?  Who defines it?  Normal for me could be the completely opposite for someone else.  Or at least, we would like to think like that.  But unfortunately no, we all seem to have a similar view on what normal is.  Even if it really can’t be confined into a few words.

If I had a dime for every time someone said I was weird or strange, or different from others, or even just crazy, I’d probably be rolling in cash right now.  I’m not even kidding.  And it’s strange, because I take those things as compliments.  And I don’t think everyone really does.

When people call me weird or abnormal or crazy, it just means I’m my own person.  I’m not afraid to act like a total lunatic if it’s what I want to do.  See, I don’t give “being normal” a second thought.  I just throw out the window and basically “be Paige.”  It sounds corny; be yourself.  It’s one of those messages we’ve been hearing since the beginning of time.  And although you kind of shrug it off, when you think about it, it’s true.

We weren’t born to fit in, we were born to stand out. That phrase brought to you by my facebook status in 2010 (according to that new app on fb).  Boy, I was a profound little junior, wasn’t I?

But really, that’s the truth.  Close your eyes and think of anyone.  Celebrity, sibling, friend, anybody.  For this example I’m just going to go with Emma Watson, one of the people I look up to.  See, I don’t try and model my life off of Emma Watson.  I respect her completely and think she’s talented but… the world already has an Emma Watson.  For me, the world needs a Paige Gardner.  One that’s completely her own and doesn’t try to be anyone else.  That’s what the world needs, and that’s what I try to do.

Because, like I said before, I was born to stand out.  Those little quirks you have that separate you from others? HOLD ONTO THOSE.  Everything that makes you different, that makes you YOU, never lose.

So yeah.  There’s my message.  Never, ever, EVER try to be like everyone else.  At the end of the day you are your own person.  There is no point for you to be on this planet if all you are going to do is try and copy everyone else.  Because everyone is unique and different in their own way.  It just matters if they chose to show that side of themselves or not.
 
(September 1, 2011) 

Oh hey, cheesy-title-that-comes-from-a-musical! Stay with me guys, I actually do have something important to say today.

I’m not sure how many of you read this - if any - but I sometimes wonder if you guys have a facebook.  Yes?  I do too.  I use it to talk to all the people I know in real life, and I use a tumblr to keep away from all the people I know in real life.

Anyway, around this time is when all the old seniors move away to their college life (or jobs if they decide not to go to college).  My homepage on facebook in generally FLOODING with new albums with an excited album cover name that generally involved the school name in some way shape or form.  And the thing that surprises me most is that a lot of those pictures are very similar.  Like, eerily similar.

And I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the classic, dress-as-slutty-as-possible-and-take-slutty-pictures.  Oh, but don’t forget you must include as many pretty girls as possible, and bonus points if you have lots of alcohol in the background and you are holding a red cup!

I have included pictures I found on my facebook homepage of a girl who recently got to college.  They are the stereotypical freshmen first week photos.

Whats the point of this post?  No, its not to whine about how pathetic our society is.  No, its not for me to publicly announce that I do not dress slutty or drink.  No, its not at all an attack on the girls who post this kind of stuff.

The point of this post is for me to tell you that no matter what other people are doing — stay true to yourself.  You may be tempted to do those kind of things when you go to college.  People can change.  But if you are able to stay grounded in the person you are, you will feel no need to dress slutty and get drunk just for attention.

Okay, so maybe the point of this post is a bit to harp on how degrading the society we live in is.  Maybe.  But I think the reason that I get bothered with this type of stuff and others don’t even recognize whats wrong about it is because I’m a bit of a feminist.  I am very into the idea that you don’t need a man in your life to be who you truly are.  I feel like the media and “popular girls” at school are constantly throwing away their independence, modesty, and just plain feminism as a way to gain attention from guys.  And in all honesty it does make me sad, because like I said, I am a feminist.  And I can proudly say it.  I am staying true to myself by admitting this.  It took me a long time to come to this realization, but I do feel better about finally saying it out loud.  Or in this case, typing it for all to see.

This rant literally covers about 100 different topics but as I said before, the main thing of this is to just say no to status quo.  Do not feel like you  need to go out and buy mini skirts and drink vodka and bleach your hair and pile on the makeup just so you can fit in with all the other college kids.  If you are able to dress how you want and act like yourself without thinking twice, happiness will certainly come, and I guarantee you it will be deep and true and lovely and probably way more real than the type of happiness the other girls are looking for.

So there is my inspirational blogging for the day.  Be yourself. Because life is too short to try and be someone else.
 
(august 29, 2011)

the pictures are under read more; faces are blocked out for safety of the people in the photos — again, i am in no way trying to put them individually on the spot. they just work for an example.

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